Journey.

I have always wanted to go on a real road trip, like the kind where you cram all your friends into your car, drive for hours through the night, stop for mini-adventures along the way, and go thirty hours without sleep.  And at the risk of sounding cliché, you could say that it has been on my bucket list.  

Starting tomorrow this all gets to happen and I can barely believe it.  I am leaving Minneapolis with three friends and we are heading for Salem, Oregon to see the Chin family.  We plan, which is a relative term, to drive all the way through, only stopping for gas, food, and bathroom breaks.  And whatever we decide to do along the way; it's the kind of trip where you don't make plans, you just go with it.  Ryan and I also decided that we would only eat at random, non-chain restaurants along the way - to get a taste of the local eats.  And we're going to stop to check out the stars in North Dakota/Montana. 

At the end of the 28 hour journey, we are hoping to end up in Oregon.  I'm really looking forward to Bekah showing me all of the things she loves about her state, all the things I've heard about for the past two years.  We are going hiking, camping, frolicking in the ocean, and whatever else they have planned for us.  I always knew that I would make it out to Oregon, but I never thought it would be after a crazy road trip with three great friends.  I am so excited.

Please, please pray for our safety and sanity throughout the entirety of this trip!

:)

Love.

I've started reading a book by C.S. Lewis called The Four Loves.  I'm only thirty pages in and it's already made it pretty clear to me that I have a deep fear of love.  It scares me.  A lot.  

The love of God scares me in the way that I can't understand it.  It's a good kind of fear because on the other side of it there is the love of a Father.  Love that remains when I don't love Him back.  When I deny His name.  When I put another nail in the cross.  Love that gave up its life to pay my sin debt.  I can't even begin to comprehend how I am loved in that way.  But I know that I am and that drives me to my knees in thanksgiving.  

The love of my fellow man scares me in a different way.  It scares me because I don't always know how to love, because I don't always want to love.  And it scares me because I may not be loved back.  There is risk.  A prayer of my heart has long been for God to teach me how to love like He loves, to show the love that I have been shown.  I've learned that it takes so much more than just kindness and service - love does work on your pride, your patience, your goals.  It takes so much of you.  But, I've realized that it is a good kind of take.  It's good even when your love isn't returned.  It is good.  It's a response to the love of our Father. 

The other love I feel I must mention is the love that belongs to my future beloved.  I can't really sum up my fear in sentences or complete thoughts, but I have words:  doubt. shame. vulnerability. faith. trust. compromise.  There is so, so much fear in my heart regarding this love, but I am trusting the Lord.  

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"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: 

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

[Rom. 5:8]

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." 

[John 15:13]

"We love because he first loved us." 

[1 John 4:19] 

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 

‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’" 

 [Matthew 22:37-39]

Confusion.

I seek inspiration in everything.

I am inspired by science.

Music.

Sunshine.

Sunsets.

Comedy.

Silence.

Activism.

Ambition.

Relationships.

Bravery.

Scripture.

But right now I am uninspired.  

So my heart is open. 

Careful.

"I am a safety-first creature.  Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as "Careful! This might lead you to suffering".  To my nature, my temperament, yes.  Not to my conscience.  When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ.  If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.  I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases Him less.  And who could conceivably begin to love God on such a prudential ground because security (so to speak) is better?  Who could even include it among the grounds for loving?"  

"If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away."

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Ten.

As this semester comes to a close and my life will be forced to change once again, I can't help but be reflective.

In ten days, I will be a junior.  I can't fully comprehend it.  But, I embrace it.  I'm excited.  I am ready - I am trusting and following.

In ten days, I will be moving out of my apartment and will be temporarily relocated.  This is interesting, but it will work.  I will be staying in Minneapolis for the summer and, unfortunately, I will not be a Summer Missionary this year.  But as sad as that makes me, I have plenty of things to keep me busy here.  I am continuing my research into the summer - more time and more freedom.  I will still be volunteering at HCMC and then adding shadowing to the list.  I am also playing softball, teaching Sunday school, and looking for another job.  Oh, and I'm writing a children's book.

And in ten days, I have to say goodbye.  I guess there are several things that I have to "say goodbye to", but the only thing I'm concerned about it leaving my best friends.  I would be lying if I told you that I haven't been brought to tears over the thought of saying goodbye.  I know that this probably sounds silly or excessive or whatever, but I'm so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life that it's overwhelming.  I've realized the beauty in Christian fellowship, love without judgment, and unspeakable joy - and it scares me to put distance between that.  They both know that this year was incredibly difficult for me, but they were always there.  So friends, here's to you!

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-Bekah-

I love the story of how Bekah and I met and came to be roommates - clearly orchestrated by our Father.  I love the person that she has been in my life; she has listened to my frustrations, held me while I've cried, and calmed my anxieties.  But, I don't only love her for the person that she is to me - I just love her for who she is.  She is a strong and beautiful artist, friend, and woman of God.

Bekah, it breaks my heart to realize that you won't be coming back in the fall - but, I am so excited for where the Lord is taking you.  You'll be great - wherever you end up and whatever you will be doing - you will be great.  Thank you for all the late night conversations about our futures, our fears, Jesus, Utmost, theology and for all the laughter about nothing and everything.  

I miss you already.

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-Beth-

I'm trying to think of one of the first times that I was with Beth and I can't stop thinking of the night when we rearranged door decorations.  In the dorms last year, a few of us decided to swap the name tags on the doors.  And after we were done, we were going back to Mike's room - but, Beth busted into a strangers room instead and scared some unsuspecting students.  So good.  As our relationship has gotten stronger, Beth has become more of a voice in my life - and I'm not sure that she believes that.  But, we've grown into a mutual trust and honesty that I cherish it so much.  I excited to continue to grow in the Word with you.  

Beth, you are so beautiful.  You have this optimistic way about you that is so awesome and something I desire.  I'm so glad that I can laugh with you, go on silly adventures with you, and bond over all we have in common.  Your have this incredible desire for life and happiness and fun - it's exciting and contagious.  I'm looking forward to next year - it will be great.

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It feels like you two have always been in my life.  And I can't imagine you ever not being there.  Love. 

Today.

Today was a Sunday school teacher appreciation day of sorts - absolutely precious.  They had breakfast for us before Sunday school, which we enjoyed with our students and their families.  My kids gave me pictures that they drew and handmade cards and little presents, so great.

One of my students wanted to finish handing out her presents, so she asked if I knew where "the other teacher" was.  Because there are three other teachers besides myself, I asked her if she knew their name.  Her response, "Hamburger?"  I held back the laughter and responded with, "Amber?"  

Oh, they never cease to bring me joy.

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On a different note, I heard this song yesterday and fell in love.