Patience.

One of my friends was recently interviewed for medical school.  We prepared a bit before he went, brainstorming the various questions that they may ask him.  And the classic question about one's strengths and weaknesses was the most difficult to tackle.  Although this was hard, we found one clear-cut strength of his - patience.  I must say that he is in fact a rather patient individual, with me and with others.  I want one of my strengths to be patience.  Let's work on it.

Of course, when I say let's work on it, I know that God is going to work on me.  I think He is right now, like He did this summer.  But right now, I feel the pressure.  Maybe pressure isn't the right word.  Maybe presence is better?  I don't know, but right now I feel Him at work.  

I am impatient.  Not all of the time, I hope not even most of the time, but at the moment I am.  I do not like this.  

God and I are going to work this out.  He will work in me, and I will work it out for Him and for His glory.

Let's go. 

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

Colossians 3:12

And you can't take credit for this.

I use two different Bibles with different translations and the one I use predominantly has probably been around for 6 or more years.  I fill my Bible with all kinds of things; sermon notes, pictures, ten dollar bills (only once actually, but it was exciting when I turned to Jeremiah 19 one day and found the forgotten cash).  I also write all over the inside of my Bible.  I used to highlight verses that seemed especially profound or important to me at that time, but I find highlighting slightly annoying now, so I mostly use pen to identify the things that are memorable to me - or I want to make memorable.  I love looking back on all the marks in my Bible and thinking about what was going on in my life at the time.  I think about why I needed to highlight those verses, why were they significant to me, things like that.  I commonly come across verses of a chapter or section that I may have highlighted or underlined but refrained from marking an adjacent piece.  A lot of the time it really confuses me.  I often ask myself why I did that and not this.  I think of who I am now, what events have taken place in my life, how I see the world and I think of who I was before - the person who previously wrote in my Bible.  I think it's fun; reflection can be fun.  We read from Ephesians 2 in church yesterday and I found myself thinking all of those things again.


I sat there staring at the open Bible in my lap thinking about who I am and who I've been.  


The sermon focused on verses 1-10 - Made Alive in Christ.  How beautiful is that? Being made alive in Christ, so awesome.  I love that idea and I love it even more when I read through those verses:  you were dead because of your sins (v.1), you followed the ways of this world (v.2), following the passions and desires of our evil nature (v.3), deserving of wrath (v.3).  I am all of those things - or I was.  I am not anymore, I have been made alive in Christ.  God, rich in mercy, expressed His great love for me - for us - made us alive with Christ.  I am not captive to those things that condemn me, the things that separate me from my beautiful Savior.  


And the part that made me think about my Bible and highlighters and pens lies enclosed in verses 8-10.  Whenever I highlighted that section (beyond my memory), I highlighted every word except "And you can't take credit for this".  I liked the idea that God saved me, the idea that it is a gift, that I am God's masterpiece, that He created me anew in Christ Jesus - all of it, I liked it, it stood out to me, it was important - but the idea of pride was somewhat troublesome for me.  Maybe I thought that pride wasn't an issue of mine (it was), maybe defeating pride scared me (it did), maybe I wanted to ignore it (I did)?  And although I believe that my struggle with pride has decreased, I would be lying if I told you that I do not battle with it from time to time.  Sometimes the idea of getting over myself and bowing down to The Great I Am seems difficult or unnecessary.  I remember in the months after my brother died I didn't do that; I didn't bow down.  I was never angry at God for what happened, but I did ignore God.  I knew that He loved me, saved me, that He is in control - I knew all of those things and more, but I didn't want to talk to Him.  I didn't want to break down and rely on the greatest comforter of them all.  I struggled with my pride.


But if my pride means preventing eternal communion with my Lord - I want to be totally rid of pride, I want Jesus.  Although I deal with pride, I am not a prisoner to it, I have been made alive in Christ.  

"Against whom have you raised your voice and lifted your eyes in pride? Against the Holy One of Israel!"

2 Kings 19: 22

A lot of things..

So just some things that I want to say..because I feel like a lot has happened this week...not necessarily super awesome things, but it's the little things, you know?

1. On Tuesday I realized that my phone wouldn't charge, so I called home and arranged to get a new one.  Fortunately, my family (-mom) were coming to the Vikings game on Sunday, so the transaction would work.  It just meant no phone for a few days, which wouldn't end my world - obviously - but I like to be in touch or have the option to at least.  Anyways..throughout the night I was thinking about what I could do.. And I must admit, I got pretty desperate, because I searched YouTube for "How-To" videos for fixing cell phone charging ports and what not.  I found a pretty exciting one...and really wanted to try it.  So, this is what I did:
a. Convinced Beth that I should cut her charger in half.
b. Cut Beth's charger in half.
c. Strip the red and black wires.
d. Carefully align the wires to the positive/negative sides of the battery and then place in the phone.
e. Plug into the wall.
f. Watch the magic happen.

It was so cool.  I felt so awesome after we figured out it worked.  And as an added bonus, it was a solid bonding session with one of my roommates, which is always valued.

2. I've been listening to a lot of Christmas music. Yes. I'm just going to say that I'm so happy that Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, and Josh Groban gave Christmas musical a whirl.  Also, hearing an NSYNC Christmas song was nice.

3. Wednesday - This was probably the day that marked the downfall of my bio team's lab project or whatnot.  Hah. I can't say I'm surprised, it just has never really worked out for us in there, to no one's fault.  It's nearly over - yes.

3. My Honors seminar class is over. And that makes me super happy.

4. I really like OChem.

5. Thursday - Last week I took a Psych exam and did not do very well on it.  I didn't want to study any more, so I quit.  Consequently, I've decided that I need to do REP studies to get extra credit and so I followed up on an email I got responding to a previous REP survey that I had taken.  The questions on the survey were basically diagnosing me with OCD - this made me not want to do the lab follow-up because I don't really have a desire to be studied by people.  But, sometimes you make poor decisions (not studying) and you have to deal up with it.  So I go in to the study and they put this (EEG) cap on my head - terrible, just terrible.  It was stored in a bucket of "mostly water, baby shampoo, and other things".  Not a fan. And so I got water all over my face and my hair was crazy and there were marks all over my head and people looked at me funny when I got into the elevator.  Just a crazy bad experience - no more REP studies.

6. Friday - I had a lab meeting with one of the post-docs that I work with.  It was nice, we figured some things out, she understands my schedule, gave me some more things to figure out - overall pretty positive.  Then I went to find my mentor because I really need him to fill out a few papers for me.  After talking to him for a bit, he told me that I have permission to annoy him.  I like the sound of that.  I'm sure he'll regret it someday :)  Hopefully, I'll get those papers soon - or more annoyance will come his way.

I also went to Beth's choir concert.  Oh, and I had an Organic exam.  But, the concert was pretty nice, very eclectic.  And I'm pretty terrible at concerts, like I can't stop laughing or making silly comments. Also, Bekah and Eric (especially Eric, not so much Bekah) were enablers to this terrible behavior.  The last song was none other than "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", which involved figgy pudding.  This inspired Beth and I to make some chocolate pudding and watch Glee for a few hours.

7. Saturday - I worked on a fantastic video about autoclaving with a few classmates for our Honors project for bio lab.  This is definitely a must see for all amateur scientists :) We also went out to Bucca's for some great food with Bekah's parents.  It was fun and they sang to Bekah for her birthday next week - success.  Oh, and before that we went to the Holidazzle parade - SANTA!!!!!!

8. Sunday - Today was a good day.  I started it off pretty nice with Sunday School.  I really, really enjoy teaching them, playing with them, and just listening to what they have to tell me. So fun.  We practiced for the Christmas concert, which was pretty awesome.  My kids are Mary, Joseph, an angel, and some shepherds - I'm very excited for them.  Then church happened, which was great.  Today, they had baptisms, and when they do that at Hope they also join it with communion and worship; three great things all at once.  It was very cool to see these people publicly professing their faith - it made me cry.

Then Josh texted us and said he had free tickets to the Vikings game. What? So, Beth and I went. And I saw everyone, soo many people: my dad, Betsers, Josh, Billy, Daniel (high school friend) and his family, my cousin's husband, Rachel (camp friend), and my uncle too was there too although I didn't get to see him.  It was great.  I love my family so much, so an impromptu Sunday with them is always welcome.

And just a few hours ago, we got to watch Bekah's recital! It was very cool and so exciting for her.  Her parents flew in for the weekend, so she got to see them and hang out with them for awhile, which I think she needed.  And they got to see her perform.  Cool stuff.  I do like listening to Bekah play - it is something that I have such a hard time understanding, but I have so much respect for what she does.  I love seeing people do things that they are passionate about - Bekah is passionate about her music and it is a beautiful thing to get to witness a small part of that coming out in her performances.

A lot of words.

The Most Hell-Deserving Sinner.

I have had a lot of time for reflection lately.  Driving to and from North Dakota this past week gave me seven hours of alone time and being home also gave me a lot of time to think.  And, I think I should probably mention that after making a conscious effort to talk less and listen more, I have had a lot of thoughts roaming around in my mind.  Part of me just wants to just say every little thing that comes to mind, but by not doing that I think I have learned so much more and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that the Lord is speaking to me and I pray that He will continue to do so.

Anywho, back to the matter at hand.  This little gem has been consuming me for the past twenty-some hours.  I read this last night before going to bed and I had to read it through a few times to once again remember why grace is so beautiful, how big my sin is, and how loving my God is.  From Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest:

The Bounty of the Destitute

"Being justified freely by His grace..." 

Romans 3:24

The gospel of the grace of God awakens an intense longing in human souls and an equally intense resentment, because the revelation which it brings is not palatable.  There is a certain pride in man that will give and give, but to come and accept is another thing.  I will give myself in consecration, I will do anything, but do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell-deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is to accept the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

We have to realize that we cannot earn or win anything from God; we must either receive it as a gift or do without it.  The greatest blessing spiritually is the knowledge that we are destitute; until we get there Our Lord is powerless.  He can do nothing for us if we think we are sufficient of ourselves; we have to enter into His Kingdom through the door of destitution.  As long as we are rich, possessed of anything in the way of pride or independence, God cannot do anything for us.  It is only when we get hungry spiritually that we receive the Holy Spirit.  The gift of the essential nature of God is made effectual in us by the Holy Spirit; He imparts to us the quickening life of Jesus, which puts "the beyond" within, and immediately "the beyond" has come within, it rises up to "the above" and we are lifted into the domain where Jesus lives (John 3:5).

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As I read this last night and now read through it again, I can't help but be struck by my own pride.  Pride is an ugly, ugly thing and I know that it far too often prevents me from falling to my knees before the cross.  How can that be?  I am a sinner who needs a savior and I was given just that.  I sometimes look at my life and the things that I have done and think that I'm not that bad, my sin is not that big.  Maybe today I'm doing alright and I don't need Jesus?  But, I would be a fool to claim such a thing.  I need Jesus, every single day - I need Jesus.  I need the gift of the cross; I need that beautiful sacrifice.  And I hope that that is reality in your life as well.  We are a sinful people, but we are also a people belonging to God, we are chosen (1 Peter 2:9).  

I need to be humiliated by my sin so that I can realize that all I have to do is accept the free gift of salvation.  I know that I am not enough to cover my sin debt and be presented whole before God.  Fortunately, I have been shown love beyond comprehension and have been justified freely by His grace. 

Memories.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow and today being today, I would like to share a little bit of what I'm thankful for - 18 years of Alex memories!  So, here are some of them:

Volleyball - This is one that we actually laugh about often.  I not sure how many years ago this was, but it was before Betsy became even slightly athletic, because if we would have had her even at half-speed, we would have won.  Anywho, Alex was home one time and in his over-confident, arrogant way challenged all of us to volleyball game and then bet that he would win, 1 vs. 5 1/2 (Betsy really was of no help).  And we did.  Now, if you knew Alex, you should picture him laughing, bragging, and running around in extreme pride.  Haha, it was great.

Swine Flu - Last year I started college in Minneapolis and Alex was still working at Hennepin County Medical Center.  The first week of classes I got really sick and at the same time Swine Flu was spreading through the dorms.  I self-diagnosed myself and concluded that I did, in fact, have swine flu.  So, I called my mom telling her how sick I was (it was actually pretty bad) and that I for sure had the swine.  She called Alex and told him to set me up with an appointment and figure it all out.  He informed me that I did not have swine flu - and I was so mad at him, haha I remember telling my mom, "He doesn't know, he's not a doctor!".  I was mad not because I wanted swine flu, my goodness no, but now I can't actually remember why..  Anyways, Alex called me and told me he would be at my dorm in a bit with medicine for me to take.  I didn't know that he was working...so when I came out he had the ambulance (lights flashing) and was in his uniform.  He went to the pharmacy, brought me medicine, gave me instructions and such and told me I was fine.  I was so embarrassed, but so proud.  I had never really seen him at work in Minneapolis, so that was really cool.  Every time I see an HCMC ambulance (so like 7 times a day) I think of that.  In a few days I was fine..and I didn't have swine flu.

Dominoes - This one is actually pretty old, but I still laugh about it.  One of my mom's best friends from high school was staying here and my parents gave up their room for her to stay in.  Alex, Josh, and I were not exactly the biggest fans of hers and I think it's safe to say that she didn't really like us then either.  I'm not sure how long she was here, but one day she slept in forever, which was probably 1, but in kid time it seemed like the longest time.  We thought it was time that she wake up and the obvious solution was for us to do it.  We decided that we would make dominoes out of video tapes, with the final destination being the bedroom door.  Oh, and I remember that we asked our mom for permission - she was totally okay with this whole plot.    We gathered every single tape in our house, which included going into the attic and finding those.  It was awesome, we lined the hallway with tapes, twisted them about.  For some reason I remember that the stairs were involved, which I don't think is entirely possible - but I remember that, so let's go with it.  Our dominoes creation was finally finished, we set it off, and then ran away.  She woke up (so it was successful) and she was not happy (once again, successful) and left soon after (3 for 3).  We were terrible.

Graduation - This is a two for one deal.  At Alex's graduation, he gave a speech and led everyone in prayer - SO cool.  But, the funniest part to us, was that he started off with, "No, I am not an honor student."  Haha, oh Alex.  At my graduation, he came home, which was always cool.  Even if he was only here for a day, it was still great to have him back here.  Now, I was an honor student, so I was too giving a speech.  Alex wanted me to include a few lines thanking him and crediting him for my success.  Alex, didn't know this, but I went up to my room to edit my speech and add him in there.  I wasn't going to credit him for my academic success, because if you knew Alex, well, you would know that just didn't line up.  But, I was going to credit him for other parts of my life.  The only reason that it didn't make the cut was because I didn't want the other three to be jealous - but, I think it's safe to say that he's the one that has impacted me the most.

Presents - This one is old too, way back to when I played with Barbies.  And I just got in trouble for this one...three days ago.  One Christmas, Alex had figured out where our parents had hidden the presents, which changed every year.  They were gone for a bit one day, so Alex brought me to the basement to see them all.  He let me open only one present and I think he got to look at one as well.  We carefully peeled the tape back and didn't tear the paper so we could reassemble the presents.  I got a Barbie! Haha, I was happy..pretty certain that it had purple and blue hair.  And, I'm not sure which one he looked at, I was slightly distracted.  We put them back together and left the crime scene.  Years later, I told my Betsy who three days ago RATTED me out to my mom! That was interesting phone call to receive.

Moorhead - This is actually the last time I saw Alex and I think it is quite fitting.  In October, Alex was moving to Moorhead and I was coming home for the weekend.  I followed Alex in his car and he drove the U-Haul.  The whole following thing was going pretty well for the majority of the drive from Minneapolis, but right when we got into Fargo-Moorhead, I lost him or he drove faster.  So, I get lost or take the wrong exit or something.  He calls me and leads me to Josh's apartment - our ultimate destination.  In order for me to not get lost this time, they were both standing on the side of the road - and they were laughing.  Haha, slightly embarrassing, but this moment was so..right.  It was me getting lost, needing help, and having my older brothers solve the problem and laughing at me in the process- I would have it no other way.

Beloved.

So, I'm just going to post about this video in an attempt to get it off my mind - for a short period anyways.  It's one of the many things that is currently distracting me from studying for my Psych exam (this also includes searching for REP (extra credit) points for psych in anticipation of a poor exam grade).


Thanks to Pandora, I've been introduced to this song.  I love it - a lot. 
I know that I won't be able to do the song justice by trying to talk about, so I won't.


Listen and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CUGTIWCFyo

24

Anniversary.  That word makes me think of my parents' anniversary in April or other random dates.  Now, those are far from my initial thoughts of what 'anniversary' means.  For the past month or so - or however long it has been November - I've been thinking of November 24th.  The one year anniversary of the day we lost my brother is looming and it is entirely consuming me.  Sometimes I'm flooded with positive memories.  Other times, I replay the moment I heard over and over and over again.  I think of talking to my parents when I heard, and not talking.  I think of the not so positive moments that have characterized this past year.  I think it would be hard to say that there have been many times in this past year that I haven't thought about him, so it's not just now that I'm struck will all these thoughts, but now that it is November, I've been thinking more specifically about that day or moment or moments.

A lot of me doesn't want Wednesday to come.  A LOT of me.  But it will.  I think the number itself is painful to see.  Like looking at a syllabus and seeing the lecture plan for that day or when we were buying milk a little bit ago, I checked the expiration date - 11/24/10.  Even just twenty-four bothers me, apart from November, I start calculating how many months it has been or how long it has been since I've talked to him.  And that's the age that he would be now, so that makes it harder.  I don't even want to turn 24 or Josh, I don't want him to turn 24 either.  I just want to go back to last November - before this all happened.  I want to change things - if I could ever do that - that's what I want to do. 

But, I can't.  


I think that I have changed though.  I think the person that I am now is a lot different than who I was a year ago. Some of it is external - visible for all; but, a lot of it is internal - the way I see the world, my personal relationship with my God, my thoughts about my future, about me.  I would like to think that all of these changes have been positive.  I think that it's something that most people strive for - positive changes in their life, growth from year to year - and I also think that it's a terrible feeling to reflect on your life and see negative change or no change.  For me, I have the latter as well as the former.


As much as I look back on this year and resonate on the bad, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, I also look back and rest in knowing that my God is good and my God is in control.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." 

-Ephesians 3:14-19