The Most Hell-Deserving Sinner.

I have had a lot of time for reflection lately.  Driving to and from North Dakota this past week gave me seven hours of alone time and being home also gave me a lot of time to think.  And, I think I should probably mention that after making a conscious effort to talk less and listen more, I have had a lot of thoughts roaming around in my mind.  Part of me just wants to just say every little thing that comes to mind, but by not doing that I think I have learned so much more and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that the Lord is speaking to me and I pray that He will continue to do so.

Anywho, back to the matter at hand.  This little gem has been consuming me for the past twenty-some hours.  I read this last night before going to bed and I had to read it through a few times to once again remember why grace is so beautiful, how big my sin is, and how loving my God is.  From Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest:

The Bounty of the Destitute

"Being justified freely by His grace..." 

Romans 3:24

The gospel of the grace of God awakens an intense longing in human souls and an equally intense resentment, because the revelation which it brings is not palatable.  There is a certain pride in man that will give and give, but to come and accept is another thing.  I will give myself in consecration, I will do anything, but do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell-deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is to accept the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

We have to realize that we cannot earn or win anything from God; we must either receive it as a gift or do without it.  The greatest blessing spiritually is the knowledge that we are destitute; until we get there Our Lord is powerless.  He can do nothing for us if we think we are sufficient of ourselves; we have to enter into His Kingdom through the door of destitution.  As long as we are rich, possessed of anything in the way of pride or independence, God cannot do anything for us.  It is only when we get hungry spiritually that we receive the Holy Spirit.  The gift of the essential nature of God is made effectual in us by the Holy Spirit; He imparts to us the quickening life of Jesus, which puts "the beyond" within, and immediately "the beyond" has come within, it rises up to "the above" and we are lifted into the domain where Jesus lives (John 3:5).

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As I read this last night and now read through it again, I can't help but be struck by my own pride.  Pride is an ugly, ugly thing and I know that it far too often prevents me from falling to my knees before the cross.  How can that be?  I am a sinner who needs a savior and I was given just that.  I sometimes look at my life and the things that I have done and think that I'm not that bad, my sin is not that big.  Maybe today I'm doing alright and I don't need Jesus?  But, I would be a fool to claim such a thing.  I need Jesus, every single day - I need Jesus.  I need the gift of the cross; I need that beautiful sacrifice.  And I hope that that is reality in your life as well.  We are a sinful people, but we are also a people belonging to God, we are chosen (1 Peter 2:9).  

I need to be humiliated by my sin so that I can realize that all I have to do is accept the free gift of salvation.  I know that I am not enough to cover my sin debt and be presented whole before God.  Fortunately, I have been shown love beyond comprehension and have been justified freely by His grace. 

Memories.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow and today being today, I would like to share a little bit of what I'm thankful for - 18 years of Alex memories!  So, here are some of them:

Volleyball - This is one that we actually laugh about often.  I not sure how many years ago this was, but it was before Betsy became even slightly athletic, because if we would have had her even at half-speed, we would have won.  Anywho, Alex was home one time and in his over-confident, arrogant way challenged all of us to volleyball game and then bet that he would win, 1 vs. 5 1/2 (Betsy really was of no help).  And we did.  Now, if you knew Alex, you should picture him laughing, bragging, and running around in extreme pride.  Haha, it was great.

Swine Flu - Last year I started college in Minneapolis and Alex was still working at Hennepin County Medical Center.  The first week of classes I got really sick and at the same time Swine Flu was spreading through the dorms.  I self-diagnosed myself and concluded that I did, in fact, have swine flu.  So, I called my mom telling her how sick I was (it was actually pretty bad) and that I for sure had the swine.  She called Alex and told him to set me up with an appointment and figure it all out.  He informed me that I did not have swine flu - and I was so mad at him, haha I remember telling my mom, "He doesn't know, he's not a doctor!".  I was mad not because I wanted swine flu, my goodness no, but now I can't actually remember why..  Anyways, Alex called me and told me he would be at my dorm in a bit with medicine for me to take.  I didn't know that he was working...so when I came out he had the ambulance (lights flashing) and was in his uniform.  He went to the pharmacy, brought me medicine, gave me instructions and such and told me I was fine.  I was so embarrassed, but so proud.  I had never really seen him at work in Minneapolis, so that was really cool.  Every time I see an HCMC ambulance (so like 7 times a day) I think of that.  In a few days I was fine..and I didn't have swine flu.

Dominoes - This one is actually pretty old, but I still laugh about it.  One of my mom's best friends from high school was staying here and my parents gave up their room for her to stay in.  Alex, Josh, and I were not exactly the biggest fans of hers and I think it's safe to say that she didn't really like us then either.  I'm not sure how long she was here, but one day she slept in forever, which was probably 1, but in kid time it seemed like the longest time.  We thought it was time that she wake up and the obvious solution was for us to do it.  We decided that we would make dominoes out of video tapes, with the final destination being the bedroom door.  Oh, and I remember that we asked our mom for permission - she was totally okay with this whole plot.    We gathered every single tape in our house, which included going into the attic and finding those.  It was awesome, we lined the hallway with tapes, twisted them about.  For some reason I remember that the stairs were involved, which I don't think is entirely possible - but I remember that, so let's go with it.  Our dominoes creation was finally finished, we set it off, and then ran away.  She woke up (so it was successful) and she was not happy (once again, successful) and left soon after (3 for 3).  We were terrible.

Graduation - This is a two for one deal.  At Alex's graduation, he gave a speech and led everyone in prayer - SO cool.  But, the funniest part to us, was that he started off with, "No, I am not an honor student."  Haha, oh Alex.  At my graduation, he came home, which was always cool.  Even if he was only here for a day, it was still great to have him back here.  Now, I was an honor student, so I was too giving a speech.  Alex wanted me to include a few lines thanking him and crediting him for my success.  Alex, didn't know this, but I went up to my room to edit my speech and add him in there.  I wasn't going to credit him for my academic success, because if you knew Alex, well, you would know that just didn't line up.  But, I was going to credit him for other parts of my life.  The only reason that it didn't make the cut was because I didn't want the other three to be jealous - but, I think it's safe to say that he's the one that has impacted me the most.

Presents - This one is old too, way back to when I played with Barbies.  And I just got in trouble for this one...three days ago.  One Christmas, Alex had figured out where our parents had hidden the presents, which changed every year.  They were gone for a bit one day, so Alex brought me to the basement to see them all.  He let me open only one present and I think he got to look at one as well.  We carefully peeled the tape back and didn't tear the paper so we could reassemble the presents.  I got a Barbie! Haha, I was happy..pretty certain that it had purple and blue hair.  And, I'm not sure which one he looked at, I was slightly distracted.  We put them back together and left the crime scene.  Years later, I told my Betsy who three days ago RATTED me out to my mom! That was interesting phone call to receive.

Moorhead - This is actually the last time I saw Alex and I think it is quite fitting.  In October, Alex was moving to Moorhead and I was coming home for the weekend.  I followed Alex in his car and he drove the U-Haul.  The whole following thing was going pretty well for the majority of the drive from Minneapolis, but right when we got into Fargo-Moorhead, I lost him or he drove faster.  So, I get lost or take the wrong exit or something.  He calls me and leads me to Josh's apartment - our ultimate destination.  In order for me to not get lost this time, they were both standing on the side of the road - and they were laughing.  Haha, slightly embarrassing, but this moment was so..right.  It was me getting lost, needing help, and having my older brothers solve the problem and laughing at me in the process- I would have it no other way.

Beloved.

So, I'm just going to post about this video in an attempt to get it off my mind - for a short period anyways.  It's one of the many things that is currently distracting me from studying for my Psych exam (this also includes searching for REP (extra credit) points for psych in anticipation of a poor exam grade).


Thanks to Pandora, I've been introduced to this song.  I love it - a lot. 
I know that I won't be able to do the song justice by trying to talk about, so I won't.


Listen and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CUGTIWCFyo

24

Anniversary.  That word makes me think of my parents' anniversary in April or other random dates.  Now, those are far from my initial thoughts of what 'anniversary' means.  For the past month or so - or however long it has been November - I've been thinking of November 24th.  The one year anniversary of the day we lost my brother is looming and it is entirely consuming me.  Sometimes I'm flooded with positive memories.  Other times, I replay the moment I heard over and over and over again.  I think of talking to my parents when I heard, and not talking.  I think of the not so positive moments that have characterized this past year.  I think it would be hard to say that there have been many times in this past year that I haven't thought about him, so it's not just now that I'm struck will all these thoughts, but now that it is November, I've been thinking more specifically about that day or moment or moments.

A lot of me doesn't want Wednesday to come.  A LOT of me.  But it will.  I think the number itself is painful to see.  Like looking at a syllabus and seeing the lecture plan for that day or when we were buying milk a little bit ago, I checked the expiration date - 11/24/10.  Even just twenty-four bothers me, apart from November, I start calculating how many months it has been or how long it has been since I've talked to him.  And that's the age that he would be now, so that makes it harder.  I don't even want to turn 24 or Josh, I don't want him to turn 24 either.  I just want to go back to last November - before this all happened.  I want to change things - if I could ever do that - that's what I want to do. 

But, I can't.  


I think that I have changed though.  I think the person that I am now is a lot different than who I was a year ago. Some of it is external - visible for all; but, a lot of it is internal - the way I see the world, my personal relationship with my God, my thoughts about my future, about me.  I would like to think that all of these changes have been positive.  I think that it's something that most people strive for - positive changes in their life, growth from year to year - and I also think that it's a terrible feeling to reflect on your life and see negative change or no change.  For me, I have the latter as well as the former.


As much as I look back on this year and resonate on the bad, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, I also look back and rest in knowing that my God is good and my God is in control.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." 

-Ephesians 3:14-19