24

Anniversary.  That word makes me think of my parents' anniversary in April or other random dates.  Now, those are far from my initial thoughts of what 'anniversary' means.  For the past month or so - or however long it has been November - I've been thinking of November 24th.  The one year anniversary of the day we lost my brother is looming and it is entirely consuming me.  Sometimes I'm flooded with positive memories.  Other times, I replay the moment I heard over and over and over again.  I think of talking to my parents when I heard, and not talking.  I think of the not so positive moments that have characterized this past year.  I think it would be hard to say that there have been many times in this past year that I haven't thought about him, so it's not just now that I'm struck will all these thoughts, but now that it is November, I've been thinking more specifically about that day or moment or moments.

A lot of me doesn't want Wednesday to come.  A LOT of me.  But it will.  I think the number itself is painful to see.  Like looking at a syllabus and seeing the lecture plan for that day or when we were buying milk a little bit ago, I checked the expiration date - 11/24/10.  Even just twenty-four bothers me, apart from November, I start calculating how many months it has been or how long it has been since I've talked to him.  And that's the age that he would be now, so that makes it harder.  I don't even want to turn 24 or Josh, I don't want him to turn 24 either.  I just want to go back to last November - before this all happened.  I want to change things - if I could ever do that - that's what I want to do. 

But, I can't.  


I think that I have changed though.  I think the person that I am now is a lot different than who I was a year ago. Some of it is external - visible for all; but, a lot of it is internal - the way I see the world, my personal relationship with my God, my thoughts about my future, about me.  I would like to think that all of these changes have been positive.  I think that it's something that most people strive for - positive changes in their life, growth from year to year - and I also think that it's a terrible feeling to reflect on your life and see negative change or no change.  For me, I have the latter as well as the former.


As much as I look back on this year and resonate on the bad, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, I also look back and rest in knowing that my God is good and my God is in control.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." 

-Ephesians 3:14-19