Wild.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to go home for a few days.  It was awesome.  And exactly what I needed.  You see, I love the city, the life I have here, all of my friends, my school, my church, and everything I fill my planner with.  But, there are times when all I need is a clear sky full of stars, the quiet of my small hometown, my own bed, and my family to get me back on track.  

This past weekend was a good way to clear my head and refocus.  God has been teaching a lot lately - a lot about my desires and His will for my life.  So, I have taken the time to hash through a lot of what has been distracting me and consuming my thoughts.  And one lesson that I am constantly reminded of is how good my God is, His constant presence, and His unfailing love.  

Amen.

Another thing I have been reminded of is the blessing of family.  You may not know this, but I am one of five - right in the middle.  I have two older brothers and a younger brother and sister.  Growing up in a family of seven is crazy, I can assure you of this (and my parents would as well).  But, I would not change a thing.  However, back in the day of just four kids, I thought I had a rough life.  I was the only girl stuck with three crazy brothers - how terrible.  And I was convinced that this must change.  After many tearful pleas, my mom would faithfully tell me to pray that God would bless us with a baby girl.  Fourteen years ago, my Betsy came into this world and changed my life.  

The whole story as told by the eight-year old version of myself is documented below.  

Please note a few things:

1)  Punctuation must have a been a new concept to me.

2)  My math prowess was evident at a young age. 

3)  I think I was the last one to know that my mom was pregnant.

4)  The tidbit about pop and cookies is necessary to fully understand the situation.

5)  When Bets and I had our dark years, I used to blame myself for praying her into existence.  So sorry. 

My sister is now a fourteen year old force.  And even though she is taller and stronger than I am, I still see her as this baby that came into the world to complete our group of five.  I am so thankful - for her and all of my family.  

Betsers, I'm so proud of the person that you are growing into.  You will do great things - I have no doubt.  I am so blessed to call you mine.  

You are kind of wild, but I still love you. 

Consequences.

When I look back on my life, I often think of it as pretty squeaky clean.  I did the 'good' and stayed away from the 'bad'.  Outwardly, I think I had it all together - I was living like you would expect a good, Christian kid to live.  

But if you knew the condition of my heart, you would understand my depravity and need for a Savior.  You would finally see what I had done to drive a wedge between God and me; you would see the gory, graphic details of my life.  You would be disgusted.  Because I am a sinner.

Because of this, because of how I saw myself - the glory of the cross was a hard thing for me to grasp.  Logically, I understood my salvation.  I could read Romans and land on the fact that I was a sinner, that I fell short of the glory of God, and that I needed Jesus.  I trust the authority of the Word of God and so, of course, I believed all of this.

But did I ever understand the magnitude of my sin?  Did I ever look at my life, my sin and then fall before the cross and praise God for the amazing things He has done for me?  Did the fact that my Jesus loved me so much to die a horrible death upon the cross drive me to constant worship?

Honestly, no.  No. 

The image that I had of the glory of the cross was greatly obstructed.  

But, the way the cross looked changed incredibly when my brother passed away.  Before that, death was distant.  But not anymore.  

There is so much finality in death - there is nothing we can do to reverse it.  I cannot describe to you what this means in my life in relation to my brother.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that I could rewind the situation - that I could change the unchangeable.  The death of my brother did many things to me and most of them are negative.  But if there was to be any good to come out of that situation, it was a new understanding of the cross and our great need for a Savior.

Losing Alex made me look at life and death in a completely different light.

Life had new meaning.

The death of Jesus Christ had greater implications.

And the weight of everything intensified.  

As I daily realize the finality of Alex's death, I constantly come to a greater understanding of the beauty of the work that Jesus did on the cross.  With the death of Christ, He defeated death and the devil.  There was finality - He broke the power of death - the power of the devil (Hebrews 2:14).   And with His resurrection, we have hope that we too may be raised from the dead.

[Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. Romans 6:3-14]

The death of Jesus was more than just a dramatic end to His earthly life - it meant victory over death and the devil, it paid for my salvation, and guaranteed my life in Him.  

I know death.  

I feel it's consequences every single day.

My heart breaks without Alex here with me.

But on the other side of that, I rest in knowing that Jesus Christ came that we may be set free from the confines of death and live a new life with Him, alive with Him.
The fact that Jesus died for my sins is an incredible, incredible thing - may I daily live in response to that! 

Hallelujah, what a Savior! 

Go.

I have realized that I judge a sermon on Sunday morning by the way I feel when I leave church.  I go in thirsting for truth and desiring to be filled.  Conviction is what I long for, what I need to make sure that I am constantly growing and changing, ever striving to become more like Christ.  I want to be encouraged, I want to hear the gospel, and I want fellowship.  And if I leave Hope feeling those things, then it is a good day and I am ready to head out into the world for another week.  

But if it is left at the emotional level, then it is for nothing.  If I fail to act, then everything I have heard or learned or felt was all for naught.  

Over break, I read "Crazy Love" and "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and "Mountains Beyond Mountains" by Tracy Kidder.  After reading these books, I feel this incredible sense of urgency - a desire to not just be but to do, to not just breathe but to live.  I have a renewed understanding that when Jesus commanded me to love, He never meant to love from a distance, to love as long as we are comfortable, to love the lovable.  Because when He gave that command, He said to love as He loves us.  Jesus loves in a deep, intimate way.  He loves the 'unlovable'.  He loved until He hurt, bled, and died. 

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another:  just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." -John 13:34-35

What would this world look life if every Christian lived as they were called?  How much damage could the body of Christ cause in the kingdom of darkness if we truly listened to the commands of Jesus?  And what would we look like if we lived by the Spirit?  

"Without Him, people operate in their own strength and only accomplish human-sized results.  But when believers live in the power of the Spirit, the evidence in their lives is supernatural.  The church cannot help but be different, and the world cannot help but notice."  -Francis Chan, Forgotten God

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And a few fun things:  check out the tabs at the top of my page to see some new additions and, in case you were curious, I am starting work on my book today.  

Sunset.

Happy January, everyone! 

A brief post on my day..

[Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!

-Psalm 46:10]

I read this verse this morning and my heart became heavy.  What do we do between asking for guidance and waiting for direction?  It isn't really in my character to let things be or wait for things to happen.  I like to get things done, I like answers, and I like to be in control.  

But God's answers are infinitely better than mine, so I will listen to Him.  

Be still.

I mean, look at what my God does:

Check out this beautiful sunset from my drive home!

My only choice was to pull over and take some pictures.

Oh North Dakota, you can be so beautiful sometimes.

And some other pictures from today: 

My "end of the semester present to myself" came in today.  A long time ago, I told myself that I couldn't buy any more books until I finished the ones that I already owned.  Well, I failed many times.  But, I did refrain from buying these two books for awhile.  Finally, I have my hands on Forgotten God (super excited).  And I started Crazy Love two years ago, but never got to finish it and it wasn't mine, so I bought my own copy.  Maybe there's a book review in the future? 

And I baked some scones tonight!  (Okay, I'll be honest - this is yesterday's baking project, but I liked the picture better.  These are cranberry-orange.  Tonight, I made chocolate chip scones at my little brother's request.)

Tomorrow.

Yesterday.

"You shall not go out with haste,...for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."  -Isaiah 52:12

Security from Yesterday. “. . . God requires an account of what is past” (Ecclesiastes 3:15). At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise when we remember our yesterdays. Our present enjoyment of God’s grace tends to be lessened by the memory of yesterday’s sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual growth for our future. God reminds us of the past to protect us from a very shallow security in the present.

Security for Tomorrow. “. . . the Lord will go before you . . . .” This is a gracious revelation— that God will send His forces out where we have failed to do so. He will keep watch so that we will not be tripped up again by the same failures, as would undoubtedly happen if He were not our “rear guard.” And God’s hand reaches back to the past, settling all the claims against our conscience.

Security for Today. “You shall not go out with haste . . . .” As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impulsive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest - December 31st

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I read this from My Utmost for His Highest this morning and figured it would be an appropriate thing to share as we end one year and start the next.  Let God be your security from yesterday, for tomorrow, and for today and dive into 2012 with God, trusting completely in His power and His goodness.  Go do great things for God, with God.  

And have a happy new year, friends! 

2011.

Shall we take a look back on 2011?  Yes, yes we shall. 

I went on an epic road trip to Oregon with some of my best friends:

I was BAPTIZED:

I started nannying a fantastic five year-old child:

I went to a few Twins games:

I went to Wisconsin too many times:

I was able to go back to Camp Joy:

I went to the Minnesota State Fair for the first time:

I went to an apple orchard for the first time (and touched a goat for the first time!):

This was a good year.  In addition to the things mentioned above, I played softball for my church league this summer, my aunt and uncle blessed me with a place to live this summer, I began TAing for Human Physiology, I shadowed a bunch of physicians, I went to Hope Spring Retreat and Slumber Party, I started volunteering in the emergency department of HCMC, I baked a whole bunch of things, I learned how to play disc golf (stretch), and other things that I have failed to document.

This time next year, I will be done taking the MCAT and applying for medical school, I will be waiting for interviews, and nearly done with my undergraduate degree.  

In 2012, I hope to give more and take less, volunteer more, read more, pray more, and try a bunch of new things. 

Mountains.

A friend gave me the book Mountains Beyond Mountains for Christmas and it captivated me.  It tells of an infectious disease doctor, Paul Farmer, who spends the majority of his time in Haiti fighting against all odds to provide basic health care to thousands of underserved people.  He also spends his time traveling the globe helping others to achieve the same goal that he set out with – curing infectious disease and bringing modern medicine to the ends of the earth.  Farmer’s whole story is amazing – from graduating with both an MD and PhD from Harvard while concurrently serving in Haiti to forming Partners in Health before he turned thirty.  But the two things that amaze me the most about Farmer are his humility and his deep love for all people.  For a man whose list of accomplishments is longer than I can imagine, he only sees what he has left to do, the people he has left to treat, and the problems he has left to solve – there are mountains beyond mountains.  His whole life is about others.  When Farmer looks at his patients, he sees an individual and their illness not their ability to pay or their social class.  His heart breaks so deeply for those who have nothing and need everything that he sacrifices so much of himself.  He is everything a physician should be but, above all else, he is compassionate and empathetic.

He is the kind of physician I want to be.

“The only real nation is humanity.” –Paul Farmer

Consider me inspired – just what I needed.