Motive.

I can't think of my brother without remembering how amazing, outgoing, and awesome he was.  There are so many aspects of his character that I envy; Alex lived life without fear, he didn't follow the rules, he wasn't shy.  He made mistakes, but he gained so much.  After he died, I promised myself that I would live life more like him. I wanted so much to be brave and carefree, to step outside of my comfort zone, to be more like my brother.  

But, I have fallen through on that promise so many times in the last year and a half.  I am such a guarded person; I struggle to let people into my world or my heart.  I have built a large comfort zone.  I calculate all things and analyze every situation.  I don't want that anymore - I don't want to always think of the consequences without thinking of the benefits.  I don't know if saying this now will cause immediate change, but I pray that it will.  

I think of Alex and I think of all the adventures he had - the adventure he is having.  I have so much to learn.