Wild.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to go home for a few days.  It was awesome.  And exactly what I needed.  You see, I love the city, the life I have here, all of my friends, my school, my church, and everything I fill my planner with.  But, there are times when all I need is a clear sky full of stars, the quiet of my small hometown, my own bed, and my family to get me back on track.  

This past weekend was a good way to clear my head and refocus.  God has been teaching a lot lately - a lot about my desires and His will for my life.  So, I have taken the time to hash through a lot of what has been distracting me and consuming my thoughts.  And one lesson that I am constantly reminded of is how good my God is, His constant presence, and His unfailing love.  

Amen.

Another thing I have been reminded of is the blessing of family.  You may not know this, but I am one of five - right in the middle.  I have two older brothers and a younger brother and sister.  Growing up in a family of seven is crazy, I can assure you of this (and my parents would as well).  But, I would not change a thing.  However, back in the day of just four kids, I thought I had a rough life.  I was the only girl stuck with three crazy brothers - how terrible.  And I was convinced that this must change.  After many tearful pleas, my mom would faithfully tell me to pray that God would bless us with a baby girl.  Fourteen years ago, my Betsy came into this world and changed my life.  

The whole story as told by the eight-year old version of myself is documented below.  

Please note a few things:

1)  Punctuation must have a been a new concept to me.

2)  My math prowess was evident at a young age. 

3)  I think I was the last one to know that my mom was pregnant.

4)  The tidbit about pop and cookies is necessary to fully understand the situation.

5)  When Bets and I had our dark years, I used to blame myself for praying her into existence.  So sorry. 

My sister is now a fourteen year old force.  And even though she is taller and stronger than I am, I still see her as this baby that came into the world to complete our group of five.  I am so thankful - for her and all of my family.  

Betsers, I'm so proud of the person that you are growing into.  You will do great things - I have no doubt.  I am so blessed to call you mine.  

You are kind of wild, but I still love you. 

Consequences.

When I look back on my life, I often think of it as pretty squeaky clean.  I did the 'good' and stayed away from the 'bad'.  Outwardly, I think I had it all together - I was living like you would expect a good, Christian kid to live.  

But if you knew the condition of my heart, you would understand my depravity and need for a Savior.  You would finally see what I had done to drive a wedge between God and me; you would see the gory, graphic details of my life.  You would be disgusted.  Because I am a sinner.

Because of this, because of how I saw myself - the glory of the cross was a hard thing for me to grasp.  Logically, I understood my salvation.  I could read Romans and land on the fact that I was a sinner, that I fell short of the glory of God, and that I needed Jesus.  I trust the authority of the Word of God and so, of course, I believed all of this.

But did I ever understand the magnitude of my sin?  Did I ever look at my life, my sin and then fall before the cross and praise God for the amazing things He has done for me?  Did the fact that my Jesus loved me so much to die a horrible death upon the cross drive me to constant worship?

Honestly, no.  No. 

The image that I had of the glory of the cross was greatly obstructed.  

But, the way the cross looked changed incredibly when my brother passed away.  Before that, death was distant.  But not anymore.  

There is so much finality in death - there is nothing we can do to reverse it.  I cannot describe to you what this means in my life in relation to my brother.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that I could rewind the situation - that I could change the unchangeable.  The death of my brother did many things to me and most of them are negative.  But if there was to be any good to come out of that situation, it was a new understanding of the cross and our great need for a Savior.

Losing Alex made me look at life and death in a completely different light.

Life had new meaning.

The death of Jesus Christ had greater implications.

And the weight of everything intensified.  

As I daily realize the finality of Alex's death, I constantly come to a greater understanding of the beauty of the work that Jesus did on the cross.  With the death of Christ, He defeated death and the devil.  There was finality - He broke the power of death - the power of the devil (Hebrews 2:14).   And with His resurrection, we have hope that we too may be raised from the dead.

[Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. Romans 6:3-14]

The death of Jesus was more than just a dramatic end to His earthly life - it meant victory over death and the devil, it paid for my salvation, and guaranteed my life in Him.  

I know death.  

I feel it's consequences every single day.

My heart breaks without Alex here with me.

But on the other side of that, I rest in knowing that Jesus Christ came that we may be set free from the confines of death and live a new life with Him, alive with Him.
The fact that Jesus died for my sins is an incredible, incredible thing - may I daily live in response to that! 

Hallelujah, what a Savior!